


On Saturdays, We Mock Scott Summers

by twistingsense



Series: Alcoholism in Two Forms [1]
Category: Marvel (Movies), Shark Week - Fandom, X-Men (Movies), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Bad Life Decision Wednesdays, Master Woofington Von Barkshire, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-29
Updated: 2012-08-29
Packaged: 2017-11-13 04:28:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/499480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twistingsense/pseuds/twistingsense
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All of this could have been avoided, but Logan threw a firecracker under a cop car, and... It's all Scott's fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On Saturdays, We Mock Scott Summers

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not even going to try pretending there is anything legitimate about this story. It's all drunken shenanigans, debauchery and Shark Week. No police cars were harmed in the making of Shark Week.
> 
> This is primarily an X-Men: First Class story; all the characterisations are largely based on that film, though there are characters from elsewhere in the broader Marvel (film) Universe. This story is also based almost entirely on texts from Texts From Xavier Academy. I don't have or make any claims to either source, although the TFXA texts are used by permission. The organisations within are fictional, including 'Kinsey University', to the best of my knowledge. This is a WIP. Or, more accurately, a Thing in Progress. 
> 
> Special thanks go to girlwithgoldeyes for her permission to create this monstrosity to begin with, and putting up with incessant questions for a solid week. Phazzy, though, deserves a medal or ten for being my partner in crime, dealing with my babbling, staying up well past the time to sleep, humouring (and saving me from) my worst ideas, and betaing this mess anyway, after all of that. I'm not sure why you do it, but please never stop!

Sean is in the hospital, following another inexplicable incident, because of course he is. When they get to his room, he's backwards, at the wrong end of the bed, with his head hanging over the side, muttering something too low for them to hear as they walk in. Alex is shaking his head from a corner, but to his credit, he  _is_ only half laughing at Sean as he does it.

Erik is quickly discovering that emergency room coffee sets out to caffeinate, and entirely fails to be coffee, and the face he makes as he swallows a mouthful of the hospital's imitation implies something approaching pure torment, but he doesn't say that aloud.

He doesn't say it aloud, because he's busy watching Charles stare at Sean incredulously for a minute. Sean, who has clearly been given something strong, because he doesn't seem to realise that anyone is in the room with him, or even that he is in a room to begin with.

Charles sounds more amused than not as he asks, "How is it that you manage to get into at least one taco-related fight per year?" 

The only response he gets from Sean is a vaguely muttered comment about Republicans and Voldemort, making it perfectly clear that Sean is not only stoned and useless to them for answers, but also possibly not currently on this planet.

"How is it that we consistently start our Sunday mornings in the ER?" Erik asks, seeming to prefer speaking into his coffee cup, rather than the room at large.

"It's Scott's fault, really," Alex responds automatically.

"Not that I have any doubts about that, but, why Scott?" asks Erik.

"Well, indirectly. Technically it's all Scott's doing, from the beginning," answers Charles, who is watching Sean try to catch the dust in the air with a surprising rate of success.

"Well, that story has to be better than this coffee, so let's have it, then. Really, Charles, I know we all agreed to this whole 'in bad coffee and in accidental time travel and trips to alternate universes' thing, but I'm almost certain this coffee qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment," Erik says.

Charles, after tasting it, agrees, and proceeds to launch into the story with, "All of this could have been avoided, if it weren't for Logan..."

**_..._ **

If the semester wasn't starting on Monday, there's a damned good chance that Logan would be banned from every bar in town before he even attended his first class. He's only been in this city for three nights and there are already four bars he can never go back to again. Last night, he went to a bar in his pajamas, and right now he's decked out in a wolf costume, ready to go back there again. This morning when he checked the tab, the bartender had added a $25 'customer asshole fee', and he doesn't even bother to pretend he has any grounds at all to dispute it.

As luck, or possibly the Universe's sick sense of humour, would have it, Scott is in that bar, sitting on a stool and knocking back beers at a rate that probably isn't exactly great for his liver, but it's working out exceedingly well for drowning his primary problem. He's about halfway through his fourth when he catches sight of the guy in the wolf costume at the other end of the bar, and chokes on a mouthful. From that point, all hope is already lost, and when Scott wakes up in the morning, he doesn't quite remember how it happened at all. What he does remember is mostly from going back and reading his texts from the night before, when he apparently told Charles, "Don't worry, I drank 7 more beers and brought home a guy that bit me at the bar." 

**...**

Logan can't find his pants. Logan can't find his pants and he also can't remember at what point he put this shirt he has on rather than the wolf thing he went to the bar in. But he decides to just ignore that and find a way home, because he's always steadfastly maintained that a good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.

Logan wakes up four hours after getting home with a raging headache and still not wearing pants to a text from Remy that informs him that he is really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time. He doesn't bother responding to that, because it's nothing new from him. Instead, he focuses on trying to remember the number of a restaurant that delivers. Any restaurant that delivers, but preferably a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity, because he is entirely too hungover to get out of bed. This is clearly going to be a completely worthless day.

**...**

Charles isn't quite sure how he comes to be dating Gabriel to begin with, if he's honest, and he's less sure why he continues on. Charles isn't particularly sure about most things, lately, if the truth be told, but as much as he can be sure about anything, he's pretty sure that they're only really dating because they're both too lazy to find someone else. Charles met Gabriel when he was nineteen, and making a habit of avoiding his life. During one of his, not infrequent, 'drunk-to-the-point-of-fluid-sexuality' phases, to be exact, and Gabriel was fairly content to just accompany him on his mission of intoxication. That is, until the next morning, when he seemed to have some sort of backwards crisis of conscience, and began systematically seducing Charles. Eventually Charles caved, and Gabriel was so pleased and enthusiastic about this that Charles hadn't the heart to tell him no, after the first night they went out proved to be... less than stimulating. So Charles and Gabriel became a thing, largely out of the sheer awkwardness of not becoming a thing. They were a thing right up until the week before the spring semester was due to start, and Charles finally gave up on going through the motions.

The moment he feels like he can breathe without Gabriel asking what he's doing, again, Charles calls Alex and just says, "I had to break up with him."

Alex returns with, "In my experience, drinking helps," without so much as a moment's fragment of hesitation.

"...You don't want to know why?" Charles asks, a little taken aback.

"Not really. I want to drink," Alex responds.

**...**

So Charles agrees to throw a party, and Alex hangs up to go and invite everyone he knows, and also make a quick stop at Toys 'R' Us, while Charles picks up the liquor, because, as Alex put it, this is college, not real life, so fuck it. Later, Charles' phone buzzes with a text from Sean that says, "We are the drunkest people in Toys 'R' Us, right now," which Charles ignores for the sake of his sanity and just focuses on trying to talk Raven out of coming to the house to join them. It's a futile effort, because she declares about halfway through the conversation that three guys walked into her dorm hall, yelled something about it being too Friday for being sober, downed jagerbombs, and left, but it's an effort he feels he has to make regardless.

More people get word of the party than initially anticipated, because Alex lets Sean send out a round robin text informing everyone that, "There's going to be a pool, lightsabers, and alcohol. What could go wrong?" and then sends out one himself that says, "Drunk versus high capture the flag, what team is everybody going to be on?" and it all sort of snowballs.

**...**

The very first time that Hank meets Charles, the first thing out of his mouth is, "I apologise in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister."

Charles does a double take and spits out that his sister is off limits and if Hank touches her again he will rip off his dick and force feed it to him.

Hank raises an eyebrow, responds with, "I accept this challenge," and walks away, off into the party.

**...**

_Occasionally, Alex lends an almost breathtaking clarity to a situation. This is one of those times, because the answer is to drink, of course it is, that makes absolutely perfect sense._  Charles has never been particularly stingy with sarcasm in his own mind, but this is only about half sarcastic, at best. It stands as the most convenient option, so when Alex walks up to him with a cigarette already lit in his hand and  _that_ look in his eyes, the one that says that something is going to get set on fire in the course of the evening's events, Charles is already four drinks in, and halfway through it. Which is maybe why, when he tells him not to set anything on fire, he's more amused than concerned with the complete lack of effect.

"Here, I'll make you a deal. Okay? I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night," Alex says.

Charles raises an eyebrow and steals the cigarette out of his hand for a drag before he agrees.

"This is a bet we're both destined to lose," Alex declares, before stealing it back and wandering off into the crush of people around them. He turns back for just a moment and adds, "I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila." It's not exactly inaccurate, and Alex only smokes with something or, more accurately, someone, has pushed him into it. Something will be on fire before 1, and they both know it.

Charles' phone buzzes from his pocket before Alex is even out of sight, and he knows it's Raven asking about his 'incapacity for fun' before he bothers to fish it out and reply that he's already well into the fifth drink of the night. She doesn't seem all that impressed, and calls him just to say, "Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight," and then immediately hang up again.

Which might explain why, about twenty minutes later, he's sought out Hank and almost pushed him off on Raven, saying something about having sort of volunteered Hank's dick to deal with his sister's virginity issues and figuring he wouldn't mind much, without thinking too much about it.

**...**

Even people who hate him have to admit that there is something to be said for Logan's singleminded dedication to making sure his nights out go down in history. Maybe admired, even. It's only eleven thirty, and he's already stolen someone else's bacon, claimed to be Hispanic, been told that he's won the award for 'Best Metabolism, Most Likely To Abuse It', and crashed two other parties before walking into this one.

Now, granted, he's only been here about fifteen minutes, but he's thinking of staying, because there are lightsabers, an outdoor heated pool, and, if the fact that there are bottle rockets arranged in a spiral set up to be fired at exactly midnight is any indication, a seemingly large shortage of the douche population of the city.

At least, he was going to stay for the whole thing, but then somebody started handing him a new drink every time they saw his hand empty, and the next thing anyone realises, there's been an incident with an early (albeit small) fireworks display, and he is in a tree.

He is in a tree, and someone must have given him a water bottle at some point, because there's one in his hand, and the only sensible thing to do with a bottle of water when you inexplicably find yourself in a tree is what he does.

When Scott walks out of the sliding glass door and into the back yard, it's to the sight of a guy in a tree drinking an entire bottle of water without taking a breath or touching it with his hands. He's basically just given a blowjob to water, and that's a little impressive.

So Scott grabs a couple extra beers and climbs into the tree with him. Despite many later attempts, and endless questions, he has never been able to explain the logic in that action, but nobody actually died or got arrested, so it turned out all right...

**...**

At this point, Charles has started kissing everyone and declaring that their sexual preference is none of his concern, so he's clearly managed to drink himself into bisexuality again. Although, he does insist (to Raven and everyone else) that it's not called being bisexual, it's called making out with anyone that has a mouth. Raven is spectacularly unimpressed, but she keeps it to herself and goes back to the vodka. Vodka is good. Vodka will fix this, because with vodka, she won't remember this at all.

She doesn't recognise half the people here, but ends up in Hank's lap somehow anyway, because he's cute and a little charming, and she overheard someone saying that he was the only guy they knew who could talk to a girl about the science in Star Wars and still get laid. So she just sort of went with it, and that might explain her entirely missing what happens with Scott not five minutes later...

**...**

Scott only vaguely recongises that this is a guy he's seen before, maybe even last night, but he's okay with that, and it doesn't matter anyway. Once they're out of the tree Logan does some other completely random things that culminate with him punching the fire, and both of them ending up upstairs in Scott's bed after Scott shouts something to the effect of, "COME WITH ME, I'LL GIVE YOU FOOD," over the music.

The rest of that night is a long series of puzzle pieces in a giant blur, because no one really remembers anything clearly after the point where someone had shouted, "We have fifteen minutes to drink this keg!", but that was when Erik had walked up to Charles as Scott was leading Logan into their house and said, "In one night, this kid threw a bottle rocket under a fucking cop car, crashed three separate parties, and passed out in a tree in your backyard. Do you even know who he is?"

Which is how they met in the first place.

**...**

Charles just sort of trails into silence. He doesn't have to tell Erik that next part, he already knows it. Alex jumps in with, "So, yes, it's all Scott's fault, because this all could have been avoided, but Logan threw a fucking firecracker under a cop car."

Erik doesn't really have anything to say to that, but it's okay, because he doesn't have to.

Sean sits up abruptly,  seemingly just to steeple his fingers, and then says, "Gingers unite in the middle of the night." 


End file.
